How i became a metally Sick person (True Story Of My Life) Part2

i was admitted to a big school, it was at 1Km away from my home, so i have to go by walk daily, as i heard from others , in this school i 'll be free whether i want to attend a class or not, or even i want to go to school or not, but reality was totally different , only few teachers were good, they always spoke softly, cool minded & supportive, but most of them was cruel, even more cruel than my old school, and the other thing i was facing was being molested by senior students, so all these things effected my studies, and my progress went poorer day by day.
with time i got used to with this system , being beaten by teachers was a routine thing, and lack of trust with parents never gave me courage to tell them what i have been facing at school or tuition, at same time i was doing really good in religious studies.
so when i passed 8th grade my father decided me to admit to a religious school , so that i can memorize our holy book (QURAAN). as our family was known as most religious among other relatives.i was not ready for this, but fear never let me say a NO against my father's decisions.
so finally i went to religious school , it was away from my home almost 15 KM, so i have to stay there all 7 days of a week only one night was allowed to be spent at home, and it was terrible experience for me, living alone away from home was not easy, food was not good , and teachers were so strict , they had different tools to beat the kids who couldn't memorize the lesson. within one week i ran from there and came back to home without my fathers knowledge,
and then a new era of anger started, my father wasn't even wanted to see my face, i kept myself hidden whenever he enters the home, and he said i will be sent back forcefully. so i threaten them that i 'll commit suicide if i was forced to go back. and then my uncle & aunty supported me and said , we will not let you go anywhere don't worry,
so the story ended here, but my father's attitude changed totally, he started to ignore me, never had words with , while before when he had been  in good mood he often cracks jokes. so i started to wish for death,
yes i always prayed for death, i didn't wanted to live a life like this one. i always wept at night before sleep.
1 more year went like this, physically i was very weak  though i was taking good food, but i was not growing like others kids, even my height stopped growing.
my father discussed with his friends that what i should do for his physical weakness, they suggest little freedom for me. and father said yes. and then i was allowed to go outside and play with friends. but not more than 1 hour. and i really shown a good progress in studies and also gained weight within few months, actually gained extra pounds of fat around my belly :P
it was grade 9, even though my father provided everything , but still something was wrong, i was being compared with other kids and being insulted anywhere without any valid reason. and these things driven me to anxiety.
when i reached 10th grade, i was little more confident . but still frustrated and confused. even now i was afraid of my father, but not that much, and i started to steal the money from home to fulfill my desires , like buying toys or playing video games , eating junky foods. as there were some toys that my father won't buy me, because they will effect my personality in negative way, (eg. fake gun).
i was growing up as angry man, with revenge in my mind against my family. and was wishing for death because i wanted to see my parents cry like i did in nights...

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How i became a metally Sick person (True Story Of My Life) Part3

College Life

after i finished school, the moment came to decide which subjects should i chose for further studies, this was the time to take decision for my future, as i was poor in taking decisions. so i gave this right to others tell me which thing is better for me, i started my studies with physics maths chemistry. all the subjects were English and it was hard to understand it , as my previous books were in my native language , so after few months i gave up and decided to go with computer studies. as soon as college life started i felt the freedom, college was away from home, and i was enjoying all the day away from home , hanging out with friends , and this was the time when i was introduced to opposite gender , before that i wasn't aware of what type of creature these girls are .
i learned a lot about females from my class fellows and felt attraction towards them, as it was natural. so i started to follow girls on roads. and in buses. soon i gave up, and then my friend introduced me to the world of internet. and told me how we can chat with girls without knowing each other.
that was something that cheered me up, and then my downfall started, i started to steal money from home and spent in internet cafe. i used to sit in cafe all the day watching adult sites & chatting with girls. so i don't think i attended a single period at college in 3/4 months,  this stuff gave me pleasure and satisfaction, i started to feel less stressful. but at home i became violent and started to beat my younger brothers/sisters. just like my father was doing in our early ages. my mother often told me not to do that, cause they will start to hate you. but revenge was in my mind, i wasn't going to hear any advise.
i started to travel alone to other cities and my only time pass was internet cafe. it was giving me pleasure & stress free moments.
soon father came to know that am stealing the money , and i have duplicate key for secret drawer , so he found the key , and i was caught red handed. he refused to take me back to home. he said i don't have any relation with you, you may go to hell. i really felt bad and thought may be father is right, i apologized that was rejected. father started smoking . and we never faced each other for 2 years.
during these 2 years , i had an affair with one of my relative girl, which lasted for 1 year, then she got married. i felt really bad at that time, and i also started to molest other kids just like i was being molested in childhood. all these things were happening unintentionally.don't waste my money and your time. i looked obsessive as i was not gaining height. and this thing was putting me under pressure all the time, i thought i would never grow tall. and i started to take Calcium  tablets and within months i have seen progress, and my height grown rapidly.  i failed in college for contentious 2 years. as i was deprived kid, so the adult things were giving me happiness, i couldn't concentrate on my studies. finally after 2 years father gave me warning, if you don't get passing marks in this exam, i will throw you in motor workshop,
that day i decided , do or die, and i started to study as mush as i could. and finally passed the exam.  my father smiled for me after a long time, i was feeling much more confident. and i felt that i can do anything :)
so time came to chose subjects again for my graduation. this time i chosen subjects confidently. and diverted all my intention towards study as i wanted to get good grade so that i can find a good job after completing studies. after all this was my father's dream. anyhow these were the golden years of life, i found one of my best friend during this time, we are still friends after 11 years.
during these years i never craved for girls. and did an understanding with my heart, do better in job and you will get a girl to marry , then love her all your life, no one is going to stop. so basically these years were full of hope. Finally i got my degree Bachelor of Arts. and started hunt for job, my plan was i will continue study along with job, i don't wanted to waste my time, so i started some computer courses , as it was in demand and a must to get the job, within months i got a job as i was referred by uncle to his friend and i got the Job.

Job

it was 2005 , i got excellent job, salary was good, and i was flying & dreaming of good days. though it was a contract job for 6 months , but still i was happy, it felt like i got the reward for my struggle. everything went fine, i supported my family financially as it was time to payback , i couldn't forget my fathers words, that i am spending money on you madly . Oh GOD :(
soon 6 months came to an end. and i was jobless again, now study was a not my necessity, money took over all my priorities , because my family was happy as i was supporting financially , so i wanted to win my father's love, not his money . again job hunt started , i got a job after 7 months of struggle, though salary was low, but i was happy, I'll get some experience and later on i can find a good job in another company, and at same time started some other computer courses at night. as it was expected that my uncle will call me abroad. so i wanted to learn as much i can in limited time.
On the other hand my college mates were enjoying life, some of them started business, some continue further studies, and some of them were rich they were just hanging out. the kids i was compared with were also enjoying the life, they spent all vacations in visiting tourist areas of countries , while i was forced to study even more in vacation to get good grade . huh life sucks sometime when i think about those times.
anyhow job was going good and my adulthood feelings were also growing day by day , soon i got a part time job and i was happy, that i am making good money, people value my education. after one year i got a better opportunity and switched my job, this was the time i was full of hopes and i rejected to go abroad because of some family issues. that was my own decision.
here i would like to mention my GRANDFATHER was one of my best friends , he always took care of me, and often discussed marital matters with me. life was good. and at this time i stopped supporting my family financially. because my support to the family was not making any significant changes in my life. so i decided to save the money for my future plans, and marriage was in top priorities. i stopped following girls, as i was sure that soon i am going to bet married , my target was at age 25 i will get married.
i was little confident now, as i was earning good money . so my behavior towards my father turned more rude & violent, we hardly faced each other at home, and whenever we sat together there was never ending discussion started , and at the end we both left blaming each other. and now my father stopped beating me.
Father was still providing me food, but all other things i was managing by myself. time passed quickly, after 2 years my frustrated life badly effected my working life and i lost my job ...

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How i became a metally Sick person (True Story Of My Life) Part 4

Business

One of my uncles , decided to invest for me, and we planned a small business, at start everything went fine,
i would like to mention that i was still working part time in a company to meet my daily expenses, i don't wanted to take a penny from business, until fully established, after a year business conditions gone worst. and it was hard to meet business expenses , rent bill etc. and i was extremely frustrated again, my hopes were dying. during this time i was religiously very active. once the business started to fail, mu frustration went to peak.

Frustration & Extremism

and frustration lead me to sexual pleasure, and i was again for hunt of a girl, soon i got contact of a girl and started talking with her on phone, daily for hours we talked, but my frustration was increasing. i wasn't the type of guy what i have became. my behavior at home became more violent, hardly i spoke to anyone except my mother. and started to beat my younger brother at regular bases.but later i felt bad for him :( .
with the time situation became more worst and i started to look for alternative earning source. and someone told me its possible to earn money online. so i started it and after few months a site paid me some USD. and started to struggle hard, but after that no site paid me, i decided to not give up and continued my effort to find some good paying sites & finally succeeded in that, but i was not earning enough money to meet my expenses. and started to think about leaving the business and start the job again.
my days were full of worries & nights were full of sins. my father was also worried as he was waiting for years that i will become young and help him to solve his financial problems. extreme stress made me hopeless, feeling less , extremist , and i became animal.
lust driven me to the worst side of human being that ever can be imagined. now doing extreme things with myself became pleasure for me, i wanted to hurt myself as much as possible.
during this time my family was like, wait n watch, whenever i tries to discuss with my father he advised me some tablets for headache and relaxation.huh
my lust became more strong and ended up hooking up a prostitute. and got caught by someone , though he didn't told to anyone. later i felt guilty for this, but this thing was unstoppable as i crossed the 25th year of my age, and as per my plan i was going to get married at this age, and i kept myself restricted from all the adult things,

Love Life & Now        

while chatting online , i met a girl, wasn't sure if she is a girl, but her nick was girly, so i continued to chat with her @ Mirc . we chatted for days , and she was interesting girl, in my mind she was a prey , but as long as i spent time, i realized she is a nice girl, and i offered my friendship , and she accepted . then we started exchanging emails, and that email address of her was also fake, she never allowed me to slip for adult chat. this thing boosted my interested in her , after a year of chat, i requested to show her pic, as i was still not sure that she is real girl, she shown me her pic , she was innocent looking small girl, i liked her , actually i was already in love with her i think. any how then we kept on chatting on yahoo & one more year passed. nothing was changed in me, Money became like GOD for me, and i started earning money by selling porn.
after 3 years of chat , i asked for her number and after some argues she gave me number, and our relation entered in new level. now we were texting anytime anywhere. time passed and my love for her increased day by day, i started to share all  my things with her, she told me her real identity , and little  bit about her family. it was sign of trust on me.
i always shared everything with her, but she kept herself restricted , i would say she is good listener, she always shown sympathy and gave me courage, and one day i told her i wanna marry her , and her reply was i am not good girl, don't take me serious, any how i just can't stop thinking about her. i thought that i am not financially stable that's why she is not interested in me, and i started to struggle even harder , took some more IT courses to just get a better job , so that i could marry her.
though i got good job, but salary wasn't enough that i could get married. then i started 3 more part time jobs, just to get more money, but soon i got tired of this tough schedule. and gave up 2 jobs, and decided  to stick with  2 jobs. i lost all my hopes and thought i would never get her. i am a poor guy.
at this moment i decided to kill my own wishes & demands and started to help my family. decided that all my life is for my family . i was born to support them my own feelings & wished have nothing to do with. i started to spend my life as dead man. she was still in contact.
now our relation was 5 years old, i have seen significant changes in her, and it felt she developed interest in me, i again asked her to marry me but she denied. she started to change me, she highlighted my mistakes and gave me courage to be a good man, and spend healthy life. during this time i was also in contact with 2 other girls , but relation with these 2 girls was just lust nothing else, i just wanted to move my attention from her. but she was now part of life, i couldn't forget her. and she knew that i am in relation with 2 other girls. she never shown a sign of jealousy though.
it was the time when i lost my friend my GRANDFATHER, i was in deep grief , i decided to quit all my bad habits, but sooner MONEY took me to that way again. after few months, i decided to move out of country and spend my life alone, i was just fed up with my social life, there were some friends i hanged out with . but i was missing a partner , i was in need of partner with whom i can share my everything. finally day came and i moved to gulf with lots of hope to earn good money.
but reality of gulf life was so scary. it was hard to get job here and i felt extreme stress, i was living with a cousin here , and he supported me a lot, even then she was in contact . time passed and i took one more IT diploma , just to get a better job, but it didn't helped . every one asked for experience. after 6 months of struggle i got job. started to support my family and everything went fine. every month i took salary and sent back to my family, i saved nothing, and i continued to sell porn to meet my expenses. time passed after 6 months of job , one night i was chatting with her( my real love).
That night while we were chatting, she got intimated by some words & i got exited yes i got her, but before we could do anything on chat she said i dun wanna lose a good friend like you, please stop now otherwise i don't have enough courage to face you again. Oh my GOD, these words killed all my intimate feeling, i never wanted to lose her at any cost .i shown her some trust , and asked her to forget this moment .
and then she opened her mouth, why she never agreed to marry me, she told me everything, she was ignored child and she wanted to get attraction of others, no doubt males, and she was in relation with 3 other men on the internet. and they talked about everything that ever could be done in real life. and she also told me that she also met a guy in real life but nothing happened except kiss & hug.
and that moment i thought i would die, my heart was beating so fast. a girl whom i loved was telling that she was in relation with others. both of us wept a lot . and realized why all this happened . GOD shown me mirror, this is what i was doing with other girls all my life, this is what i sold all my life for some extra money, at that time i wish i could restart my life. and then i decided i will stop all these things and will be a good man. and promised her that this will never ever going to happened again. and she told me yes she is interested in me. and wish she could marry me, but still she said you will get better life partner i am not good for you.
we decided to share everything with each other . and made some promises , both of us were excited.
we spent 20 hours chatting with each other. in coming weeks. and then life came to normal routine.
she refused to chat every time as her family members were noticing this change, and any type of doubt could result into unexpected result a forced marriage of her or social boycott.
it was not easy for me to stop all of the sudden. she even advised me its better if we apart now, later it would hurt more. but i insisted i will die , i can't live without you. then she replied ok, but as friends only like before.
it was acceptable for me, because i never wanted to let her go away. and we again continued to chat daily, she slowly went at back foot , she stopped talking romantically. and if i said anything romantic she would reply just ok. with the time she is decreasing that chat time, like training me to live alone, but sometimes while we chat she unintentionally say something romantic and later on denies that i don't remember what i said , and ask me to forget her all messages . she is not intended to marry me. and i am still struggling to make her ready. we are in a new type of relation, i couldn't stop thinking about her, i am a good guy now, but i am afraid if she left at this stage i will be shattered again, and will become even worst human.
now at the moment i am 29 and waiting for her acceptance. she is afraid of her family , she doesn't want to hurt her father's, he is socially active & have respect in society, she is afraid what people would say to her father. huh and me struggling hard to get better job so that i could show her father see i am rich and i 'll give your daughter a happy life.
my relation with my family is also turned positive. i pay attention to their problems, but who cares for my problem? this thought putting me down day by day, even now i have mixed type of feelings, at the same time i am frustrated and hopeful. i need that girl at any cost. people ask me to move on , they say there are thousands of girls in the world leave her , but what i say she is the only one who changed my life.
i 'll keep this blog updated with upcoming events.
i want to tell one thing, if my parents every gave me love instead of care, i might not be the person that i am right now :(   

Update 05-04-2014
me and the girl i am in love with, are again in normal relation, i am loving it. at least we can spend some time chatting & discussing each other. i hope she will get agreed to marry me :) every one who read it, please pray for us.

Update  20-04-2014
again a worst day of my life :). she stepped back again :( . i dunno whats going on in her mind, i just hope she will come back, praying to GOD day & night for her . aaaah now she won't talk to me regularly, restricted me from calling her, and no text on her GSM . she is absolutely right in her decision if i really love her i should marry her instead of playing with her feelings while living on distance :( . but i still believe she will be mine. 
 To Be Continued ...
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